Trust me, I don’t miss you anymore. At least that’s what I tell myself just to stay sane. I hate myself for letting you manipulate me because all I feel is this void I can’t fill. I try to distract myself in every way possible but somehow I keep letting you back in even though you’re already gone. I would have loved you forever, but you cut that short. You were all I ever knew. Sometimes I wonder if I ever really knew you at all. Maybe one day we’ll be able to talk about it but I feel like I’ll crumble to the sound of your voice the same way I used to before. The bitterness I feel burns holes in my insides and all I feel is numb. After so long I would expect myself to forget you—to not even flinch at the sound of your name, but I’m still weak. Remembering you feels like a dream. A dream that I struggle to remember over sips of coffee that I wish could wash away the faded memories of you. Sometimes I forget that I miss you, but when I finally do, it hits me like a fucking train. But honestly, I don’t miss you. I can’t even look at you the same way I used to. I only miss my idea of you. The picture I painted in my head that I convinced myself was true. I lied to myself the entire time. But somehow I’m still in love with that same picture. It’s all I have left of you. I guess that’s why I’m still not over you.
The only way I can bring myself closure is to be my own fucking anchor since you let my ship sink. Unfortunately I still look for you in everything and it kills me. Did I really make it that easy for you to walk away? To find someone else? I wonder if you tell them the same things you used to tell me. I crave to know if you do all the things for them that I used to do for you yet you never did for me because I’m sitting here spilling my heart on paper when I wish I was spilling my heart out to you.
im so sad now